Frustration and Tears

To my MS readers, i am sure my heading sounds somewhat familiar. Although i hate to admit this,but i do have moments of "Anger,Frustration,Sadness or all at the same time. It doesn't take much to have an outburst of frustration and a flowing of tears after. I suppose this is all part of our MS journey. it's quite common to have these emotions. in fact sometimes it's good to have these,it shows we still have the fighting spirit in us.

 I have had MS for quite a number of years and my experience is that it does not get any easier, for me that is. What does make it easy is the information i can get on the internet and knowing i actually have MS.

A few weeks ago we went off with our boat sailing. Yes you would think "sailing" how can she do this"? Well to be honest i don't do a lot. My husband does all the hard work and i will press a button here and there to help out. It helps that this is a modern sailing boat and self furling boom,meaning all  the hard work gets done by a push of a button. Okay we still need to do some work regarding ropes and navigation but basically i do not do much. I wish i could do a lot more but my body gets pretty fatigued due to the sun and trying to stay balanced. I love sailing and enjoy the silence and the freedom.

 My frustrations sometimes come after our trip. I am so exhausted and my body is  so fatigued that my MS symptoms set in full force. This does not happen all the time though,but a few weeks ago it was really hot and we had no wind. This sets off my fatigue and my legs become so heavy and tired that i literally feel like i need to drag them. My husband asked me "can you walk to the shop to get me a drink,it's only 5 minutes he said"? If you can manage he added on. I looked at the shop and it seemed pretty close but the idea of having to walk while feeling so tired and in pain just seemed like a big task. I decided to walk to the shop and only 5 minutes into my walk i stopped and burst into tears!!! I came to realise that this walk was too much for me. Feelings of feeling useless and frustration that my MS determined when i could walk just got me so frustrated and sad at the same time. The thing that got me was that i had no choice. I wanted so much to walk to that damn shop but couldn't.
 I walked back in the port,crying all the way. Wiped my tears away as soon as i arrived and got back on our boat pretending all was fine. I ended up cleaning the boat crying the whole time.
 I guess it's okay to cry and get mad. MS is not easy and although we all march on,we fight everyday to lead a normal life. Some days are just harder and we get tired to fight. This is okay.

I am sure we all have had days like this and you know what "let it out". We cannot always be tuff and soldier on and sometimes we need a few tears to keep ourselves going.

To my MS warriors :)