In February i was diagnosed and that was 7 years ago. I cannot recall the exact date but roughly mid February i assume. A lot has happened in those 7 yrs and what i do notice is a roller coaster of symptoms and emotions added to it. What i do know is that since my diagnosis i have learned so much more,and therefore more at ease with symptoms that come and less anxious when it comes to my MS. Also avoiding triggers that make my symptoms worse.
What does come back now and again is the " i miss me" scenario . Things change and although I except that i no longer can do certain things it doesn't make them easier. Sometimes they are so confronting that i just feel sad of the loss of me.
I used to be a real clean freak in the house and to the point that people would get angry because i was such a neat freak. I had no problem juggling 2 young kids and keeping the house clean and maintain the garden on top of decorating. Now this is not me anymore and it's hard to accept i cannot be perfect. Now i am stubborn and i often ignore my limits and then suffer the consequences.
As I remember me, i also have trouble to hear anything sports. Now this is not always an issue but there are moments when i just can't hear anything sport. I used to play tennis 4 times a week and sometimes even the gym. Even in my early days of my MS i could still do all this. Of course at that time i had no idea i had MS.yes i had problems but nothing comparable to now.
It's not that i have not accepted my MS because I've had 7 yrs to learn to accept it. It's just more of the feeling of loosing something and in this case it's me. I can get sad of who I've lost but also sad of not being able to fill my days like i used to.
Instead i find myself sitting on the sofa often having to rest. My character was very different and i used to be the one that was constantly on the go. I miss that person.
I miss me.
Sometimes it's okay to just miss me and be sad. We are allowed to be sad.
We fight this MS everyday and we are often struggling to keep up with the world and our pain. Sometimes it's just okay to be sad and miss the me.
I know there are some people out there that believe you cannot be sad and that it's a negative way. These are usually the people that don't have a chronic illness. They don't struggle day to day with the challenges it brings. We need to be able to let our guard down sometimes and if this means we are negative to the outside world well sorry. We are dealing with this the best we know how.
Best
Mascha
